The thing about being a bit down and feeling weird in lockdown is that you don’t always have the energy to write about being down and and feeling weird in lockdown. It’s day 34 now and it’s getting a bit boring. You know that kind of boredom you experienced as a kid in the summer holidays (before the internet), when your parents would point out all the things you could do and you’d just lie there and be like…”But I don’t FEEL like doing THAT.” For the first couple of weeks the flat was sparkling clean, loads of DYI and home improvement was being carried out, and loads of meals were being cooked. I think it changed around the start of Easter holidays, (Good Friday was day 19), which I had totally forgotten about, meaning I was taken by surprise by the 4 days off work. On the face of it, 4 days off work when you’re working from home might not sound like a big deal, but it was actually glorious to free myself of the obligation to be sitting in one chair for 7.5 hours a day.
At that stage, I had been careful to do some form of exercise every day, and was being very stringent in not increasing our alcohol intake; if anything it was less than what we were drinking before lockdown. It was causing some tension between Jack and I…he is a freelance graphic designer and art director, and prior to this pandemic had never had more than 2 weeks off work at a time. He was in that cognitive dissonance mode between a) wanting to enjoy the time off work and party hardy and b) use the time to do productive things like develop his website, update his portfolio and be healthy.
I asked my social media bubble how they’d been managing their alcohol intake, and how they were interpreting that. I had a mixed bag – some were sticking to their usual minimal-intake ways, most parents were drinking a little more, and some admitted they were drinking a lot more than usual. One person mentioned something that peaked my interest though, and that was the concept of overfunctioning in a relationship, a term coined by who else but Brené Brown (the lady who has opened up a pop-culture dialogue about toxic shame). I looked into it, and realised I was probably doing a bit of this, not much of a surprise as I definitely go into control-freak mode when I’m anxious. It was breeding a difficult dynamic between us, and I decided to stop taking on a weird parent role and just do whatever the fuck I felt like doing.
So, flash forward a couple of weeks, and I have been my worst self. Worst as in my most slovenly, hedonistic, lazy and just bloody gross. I guess it’s a different worst self than my controlling, overfunctioning worst self. It meant that last weekend (around day 26), I had a real slump. I was in a malaise, and while going and digging about in the garden for a couple of hours made me feel OK for a bit, I was generally deep in a state of ennui. It’s translated into my work this week – in some ways I’ve felt better as I’ve been carrying out more teletherapy sessions and being in contact with clients and their families more…that’s been refreshing, no doubt about it. But for some reason I’ve found the resulting admin more difficult to do. I’ve been exhausted and finding it really difficult to pay attention. I’ve been making more stupid errors with scheduling and time keeping. Not really excusable seeing as that’s literally all I have to do. I’ve been referred to get an ADHD assessment, but I haven’t heard anything back yet. I find that being at home and trying to work without other people being productive around me is really tough. Someone I saw on Twitter this week explained that at the moment, a lot of allied health professionals are having to do their least favourite bit of their jobs all day, every day. We’re in it for the face to face connections, dynamic movements, ad hoc conversations, the last minute speed-walking around schools or hospitals to find our clients. It keeps our energy up. So why aren’t video link calls filling the gap?
I’ve seen some things online this week that have made me feel a bit better. My colleague suggested I start a work Twitter account – and that has kept me in touch with the general ‘mood’ of online SALT. More and more, people have started to comment on how EXHAUSTING they find video calls. My god, other people are finding it hard too! It is absolutely draining. I haven’t been using a headset with a microphone and I’ve been YELLING at the screen, meaning my voice has been shot. I’ve had my video on for 2.5 hour calls, meaning I’m feeling self conscious about my appearance for that whole time. I’m having to be hyper-aware of social cues from the people on the other end, and being over-animated to keep teenagers engaged in our sessions and to let them know I’m safe and friendly. I’m innovating the technology – I’m trialling it for our Department and have to train everyone on using it this week…but it’s taking it out of me.
One positive of stepping ‘down’, is that it’s allowed Jack to step up and take care of me. He’s seen the toll all this has taken on me and now that I’ve stopped trying to control him, he’s making his own decisions about things that I’ve realised were never my things to dictate anyway. I’ve learned to be more independent and to deal with my own shit…which is something I think would have taken a lot longer if this hadn’t happened. It’s ironic, but if you’re inclined to be a bit co-dependent, there’s nothing like living in lockdown to force you to see yourself as a separate person and be able to relinquish control. Ultimately, we’re only ever responsible for ourselves. I’m feeling better and getting into a fitness routine again. My anxiety is showing itself in other ways, but they’re familiar and I have strategies to deal with it.
Figs Ahoy 